


I Want Something Bad For Me

by flannery_culp



Category: Scream (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hiding Feelings, Late Night Conversations, One Shot, Suppressed Feelings, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannery_culp/pseuds/flannery_culp
Summary: Emma knows that she shouldn't want Audrey. She also knows that she shouldn't text her in the middle of the night just because she's lonely. And she knows that chasing after a girl with a girlfriend is only going to make her miserable.But knowing that she shouldn't and stopping herself from doing it are two very different things.





	I Want Something Bad For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Set somewhere between the end of season 2 and the Halloween special.

Emma sat in bed, staring at her phone. She knew that she shouldn't do it. She needed to save these middle-of-the-night calls for actual emergencies, for the times when she woke up screaming and the times that she was too scared to even close her eyes. It wasn't right to call just because she was lonely. It wasn't fair to wake Audrey up in the middle of the night if it wasn't the only way she was going to get through it.

But God, she  _wanted_ to.

It wouldn't be the first time. Mostly she texted on nights like these. That way, Audrey would know it wasn't an emergency, and she wouldn't have to answer if she didn't want to. But she always did. Emma knew that more than half the time Audrey was already awake, and it wasn't as if Emma didn't get her fair share of late-night messages from Audrey.

It had been different before Gina. Easier. Guilt-free, at least. She had almost told her then, countless times, but she had always lost her nerve. But then Audrey started talking about Gina, and Emma had encouraged her to go for it because she couldn't deny her friend a shot at a small slice of normalcy. Emma promised herself that she would move on, but she knew even then that she couldn't keep a promise like that.

It was past two in the morning, and if nothing else, it wouldn't be a lie to tell Audrey that she couldn't sleep. She picked up her phone, sent the text— _Hey, are you up?_ —and held her breath.

The reply was nearly instantaneous:  _Yeah. You okay?_  Emma tried not to think about why the reply was so quick; not to wonder if Audrey had been lying in bed and thinking about her.

 _Can't sleep_ , Emma said.  _Just don't want to be alone right now. Any chance you're up for a drive?_

_I'll be over in ten._

Emma smiled, knowing that she shouldn't. This little moment of happiness could only hurt her in the long run.

But she had suffered enough. She needed to take happiness wherever she could find it, no matter how fleeting it was.

* * *

They were quiet in the car, neither one suggesting a destination but both knowing where they would end up. When Audrey parked the car at the edge of the lake, they both got out and walked down to the end of the dock, close enough to each other that their hands could have touched if they wanted to.

"More of the usual?" Audrey asked after awhile. This was always how it went: the two of them, at the end of the dock, somehow finding peace at the same time they were confronting their demons.

Emma nodded. It wasn't what Audrey had meant, but it wasn't exactly a lie, either. 

"I'm sorry I keep doing this to you," Emma said, looking out at the water. The moon was reflecting on the lake, almost full but not quite. "It's just... nobody else was there that night."

"I know," Audrey said. "It's a reciprocal relationship, believe me. We've all been through shit, but you and I have been through the same shit."

"You're right," Emma said. She looked back at Audrey. One leg was pulled close to her chest, the other dangling off the edge of the dock. She had thrown a flannel on over her pajamas: a pair of boxers and a loose-fitting tank top that fell in a way that Emma couldn't think too hard about. The flannel was hanging off her shoulder, just slightly.

"So what are you feeling tonight?" Audrey asked. "Pep-talk? Commiseration?"

"A distraction, I guess," Emma said.

"We could go skinny dipping," Audrey said. "The shock of the cold water would  _definitely_ keep you from thinking about anything else."

Emma bit her lip. Audrey couldn't have made this harder if she was trying.

"So I take it a joke wasn't the distraction you were looking for?" Audrey asked.

"Not really," Emma said. "Not tonight, I guess."

"Fair enough," Audrey said.

"How are things going with you and Gina?" Emma asked, regretting it the second that it came out of her mouth.

Audrey looked surprised. "Um, good," she said. "I mean, it's still pretty new, and I don't want to jump into things too fast, but it... I really,  _really_ like her. I don't want to say the word and turn into a saphic stereotype, but... I don't know. I've thought it."

Emma felt like she was going to be sick. She tried to focus on the horizon, something steady to keep her head from spinning, but it was so dark that the sky bled seamlessly into the water.

"Hey," Audrey said, putting a hand on Emma's bare thigh. Emma couldn't tell if she was warm and Audrey's hand was cold or if it was the other way around. "What's going on? What are you thinking?"

Emma searched for something to say. "Is it really that easy?" Emma asked. "To fall in love after... after everything that happened to us?"

Maybe there would be something that she could grab onto. Some hint that things weren't going as well as Audrey made it seem like they were.

"Of course not," Audrey said. "After Rachel, I really didn't know if I could date again. And I'm scared pretty much all the time. Scared that she won't be able to take on all of my baggage. And even worse, scared that something will happen to her. That I'm putting her in danger just by being around her. That I'm going to lose her just like I've lost so many other people.

"But that doesn't mean it's not worth it, Em. It's scary. And it's hard. But it's possible, which is pretty incredible, isn't it? That after everything we've been through, we can still find love?"

She moved her hand up to Emma's shoulder, running her hand all the way down Emma's arm until their fingers were tangled up together.

"And it'll happen to you, too," Audrey said. "You'll find someone you can trust, Emma. Someone you can love. I know you will."

Emma held Audrey's hand tighter. "I know," Emma said, forcing herself to stop before adding,  _I have._

 


End file.
